i ran really far away
2 be really good at being me again
i ran really far away & stayed
but i keep trying 2 leave
brain neurotoxicity & things
i have 2 write a song
maybelle
i am uninspiring & i am uninspiried
he can end as abruptly as me & i am falling out of love.
i am drowning in like as he amplifies each wave of doubt,
remembering him teaching me to rise above it like i remember videos of videos.
there is no magic in the nonchalance of scheduling death.
i am drowning in like as he amplifies each wave of doubt,
remembering him teaching me to rise above it like i remember videos of videos.
there is no magic in the nonchalance of scheduling death.
today he was a boy that found time for me & used it when i had not spoken quickly enough & those are boys i wish weren't men - i sat sadly in my towel, hair cold & wet on my back staring at my phone that told me: go back to sleep, all cold and wet - you were never needed
i have not seen a wilted flower all day & yet my morning was one, i am crying
i have not seen a wilted flower all day & yet my morning was one, i am crying
kayla
i love you forever & always, even if this personality is not your own, but your greatest composition, even if this girl is your most loveliest design, a medium to your darkest moon -
you have grown in my heart like the roses i wish he'd given me.
you have grown in my heart like the roses i wish he'd given me.
tiny moonlings, "to shake off the last remaining particles of the lunar year"
i am insignificant & i will serve you. the deepest darkest shadow in
my soul will burn bright, & the rest to decay slowly. i have loved
you. i have lost myself. i was only a girl - i have become half of what
she is.
14
tell god, my sky is dark as a shotgun wound. this is a stolen sentence, reformed & violated. but all the same, it is an unspoken thought, an unseen feeling, a regret of worlds, of me, unpersuaded.
goodbye
i have made every mistake that i could have made, and now i must leave. you say you love me, and need me as well, and it is true that i am unwell without you. i am stolen and and sickly wretched from tears. the fatigue of what may be loving you and then now leaving you - it implodes my trembling star & this sleep feels like heaven.
i believe in never loving than to have lost, because i always lose everything at once
i believe in never loving than to have lost, because i always lose everything at once
"the fine art of falling apart"
the night falls heavy here, & you are my millionth revelation of the evening, where i am somewhere so far, like when i reach into my heart
and there,
a wish to bring you close to me,
close enough to lose
and there,
a wish to bring you close to me,
close enough to lose
clean
no poetry is sewn to these confessional sighs. i have been foolish, i have been swallowed by the idea of sanity and spit out a relapse, with the stitches torn out. stolen memories of precious procedure, fantasy turned into fallen dreams, orbs of light soft white imploded, bright streams of flashing heat through where the clouds have escaped, streams that disappear into the atmosphere of a cobalt sky PLEASE MAKE IT STOP
in these fantasies, I dance, swayed hips and raised arms, weightless hair cascading, joining the rhythm of invigorating currents spiraling down my spine to the flowerless garden that yearns for something that you are, or SOMETHING that i keep deceiving myself that you could be. i think i have failed, not myself, not another bedroom mind, but a fiction I had nurtured into my veins, my lungs, my own bedroom thoughts. i have been too embarrassed, too scared, too shy, too nervous, i hate it all. [september08september08september08]
maybe my heart is yours, my mind, my body as well. NO. those sudden words, those letters that float, heavy weighted, light density of innocent breath, no. not love. i am crazy. all sorts of fucked up, all sorts of scared, fearful, excited, lustful, crazy for you. love will not be part of this parade, this sleepwalk trampling. when i've broken, arrive with a bridal rescue from this ground, allow me limp in your arms like a midnight carriage as you pass through the arc, then lay me with lament - i know you, sweet, so singular. let me be placed below you in this way, i am forever, the notches in the leather - i am lifeless.
in these fantasies, I dance, swayed hips and raised arms, weightless hair cascading, joining the rhythm of invigorating currents spiraling down my spine to the flowerless garden that yearns for something that you are, or SOMETHING that i keep deceiving myself that you could be. i think i have failed, not myself, not another bedroom mind, but a fiction I had nurtured into my veins, my lungs, my own bedroom thoughts. i have been too embarrassed, too scared, too shy, too nervous, i hate it all. [september08september08september08]
maybe my heart is yours, my mind, my body as well. NO. those sudden words, those letters that float, heavy weighted, light density of innocent breath, no. not love. i am crazy. all sorts of fucked up, all sorts of scared, fearful, excited, lustful, crazy for you. love will not be part of this parade, this sleepwalk trampling. when i've broken, arrive with a bridal rescue from this ground, allow me limp in your arms like a midnight carriage as you pass through the arc, then lay me with lament - i know you, sweet, so singular. let me be placed below you in this way, i am forever, the notches in the leather - i am lifeless.
thank you
there are crows crying and construction sounds that travel into my cement holding. they remind me that i am inside myself, i am in two bedrooms. the metal bends, strained - they groan, they screech. i wonder what structures within my ribcage have fallen. the metal groans like something from long ago would echo.
failure
tonight i am crying because my body is not enough. i am fascinated by myself, i have planted her in everyone and she grows affectionately, though she knows they want her flowers.
sunshine vs clouds
a tiny fire burns within me for you. i dip my finger tips in cold water, flicking at the flames.
somehow i think you have been watching me do so, lovely eyes. i think you know that you are weather in my mind.
somehow i think you have been watching me do so, lovely eyes. i think you know that you are weather in my mind.
prepare soul
[ i am nothing ] there are dead leaves loving the ground, the corpses make sounds as i stroll. my absence will be brief & i will return to death like it had been home.
admiration?
my soul flickers, for you. i think i am soft, bruised at boys with kingdoms in their eyes. my wishful thinking, wishful sleep - to hold their hands with which they will reign, and with which they will break me like fragile castles of ice. like a marionette queen, i have known madness.
shot
sometimes i find myself so high, i am much too sensory to believe it is my bed i am so comfortably wrapped in. there are tingles on my skin i feel can hear what i am thinking. the words differ, what i've written, what i've spoken - inside the chest, it is deranged. the box is wooden with a strange mark in the middle that resembles something sleepy, a daydream in vibration. inside there are broken things and every sentence, unspoken.
my body feels like the sound of neon lights buzzing somewhere neglected.
my body feels like the sound of neon lights buzzing somewhere neglected.
rendezvous
had i been a good pet? i think that is what i am most concerned about. even though i'd done right, i feel like crying. i feel sorry for being afraid of being sorry. it is okay, i think. to be his student and his daughter. he nurtures my limbs so that i will learn and he can enjoy. i am so eager, and it is like stars, but i am afraid, afraid of being afraid of being sorry. it is all that i imagine beside him, or under. then i realize his hands are a remedy to my body and his companionship to my mind. of these three, i want him. of them all, he chose himself. i am afraid of how soon this will destroy me, and i am sorry and will be sorry then.
for that, i am so sorry.
for that, i am so sorry.